File Name: the Aaron

Dear Friends-Who-Can-Take-Good Natured-Ribbings (you others look away),

Why the "chopsticks"? Yes, I know that you're eating "Chinese Food" and that "Chinese People" have employed this dining technique since the "Eating of Food" was invented (18,000 years ago by a hungry human in a cave somewhere, sitting next to some poor, unsuspecting chicken). But the thing is, you can afford silverware... in fact, most restaurants are willing to lease theirs out during your stay at their establishment.

My views might be skewed by my upbringing, in that, I was born in the 20th century (an era that saw the Cold War proliferation of eating utensils).

Using two small sticks to guide food to your mouth (Lo Mien, General Tso's Chicken, TGI Friday's Pepper Poppers, Twinkies, etc) doesn't strike me as sophisticated at all. What do *I* think is sophisticated? Eating with a solid-beam laser that prepares the morsels instantaneously as you bring them up to your mouth, now that would impress me! But to use an object a chimpanzee, of his own volition, without training or prompting from an enthusiastic zoo staffer named "Tami" or "Trish", will shove down an ant hole, seems strangely backwards (though I haven't developed the mathematical equation that proves this). A monkey will take one twig and feast on misguided ants, a human will use two and spend 15 minutes trying to casually manhandle non-clumping white rice... (Google/Wikipedia/Keyword: Evolution).

Perhaps "chopsticks" is some sort of societal backlash against the snobbish British {something}-tocracy that insisted civilized people use no less than 17 different implements; including 4 salad forks, 2 soup spoons (1 for broth, the other for gruel... pardon me, not gruel, porridge) and then 5 or more that are merely for show. However, though it isn't fashionable to compliment the United States of America in those more sophisticate cliques of the world, I do believe that as a Nation it's well on it's way to establishing the absolute pinnacle of utensil technology. One day, perhaps even in our lifetime(!), we may very well be using "the Serrated Metallic Spork" (patent pending). We're not there yet! To date the "spork" is a weak and laughable device. Made only of flimsy plastic, constructed solely by hardworking children in Indonesia, it's done little to impress the mainstream "Eaters".

But I envision a stunning rise to power for the "Serrated Metallic Spork" once "Smart Edge" technology solves the problem of cut lips.

It can scoop soups, cut steaks, stab nibblets, advance mankind, inspire a world...

And then the whole of human society, the adventurous and utilitarian alike, will raise their utensils as one...

For the record, since I am the first person who thought of this, I want it to be called an "aaron", in a similar way that a toilet is called a "john" (in reference to J. Stamos' acting career I believe).

"Excuse me, Waiter? I dropped my aaron. Could you bring me another one?"

"Attention K-Mart shoppers, today's Blue Light Special is our gold plated aaron dining set, just $14.99!"

"Honey! Have you seen my screwdriver??" :: "I don't know where it is. Just use an aaron!"

"Happy Anniversary Dear." :: "What's this? An engraved aaron? 'To My Love. Think of Me When You Eat' aawwwww How sweet!"

Until that day: Eat, Drink and Be Merry, For Tomorrow We Die

* For a complete schematical drawing of my proposed invention please visit the National Patents Office in Washington D.C.; file name "The Aaron"; case number 87204783-2249 (not really).